X Factor Week 1

My thoughts on the Saturday show, which went on forever.

First on is Amelia Lily, who is 16 going on 31 – She’s the new Christina Aguilera, they say, possibly because she’s blonde and wears too much make-up, but now she’s pink and not quite as slutty as before – not sure I’d didn’t prefer the old image.

Amelia is singing Billie Jean. But it’s OK, because it’s a slower, rockier version of the song, and also ensures Dr Conrad is not alone in being judged for murdering Michael Jackson this week…

Disco Dot Cotton (or is it anorexic Timmy Mallett) is next – the man who was described as the new Subo thanks to his ability to sing quite well despite not being conventionally attractive.

I feel i should ring some sort of government hotline – this feels wrong on so many levels, but I think he is genuinely enjoying his escape from his real life – he is living his dream.

Of course he is – whose dream isn’t shrieking a terrible song from inside a nightmarish Bacofoil cage?

Now Rhythmix, the girlband designed to be thrown out in the first couple of weeks to protect one of the boy bands.

I must be too old – I don’t know the song – it’s dreadful, they sound like a bad eurovision act.

Frankie, styled as Fight Club-era Helena Bonham Carter, is singing The A-Team.

It sounds to me like a wet version of James Blunt. I don’t know if it’s supposed to sound like this, you understand. I hope not.

Louis says that Frankie definitely has something. Guessing sort of STI !!

Next we have Sophie, somehow her headshots make her look like Hilary from Dragons Den’s daughter.

But anyway. Teenage Dream. Because Sophie is a teenager, you see? And her dream has always been to get prematurely voted off a reality show as part of a pointless twist, so good on her. I’m out !!

Back to the overs now. It’s Jonjo, the man who wears awful hats and hasn’t managed to finish a song properly but it’s OK because he’s a soldier or something. Jonjo explains how much he loves being the army, which is presumably why he’s given it all up to sing terrible pop songs on the telly for a fortnight.

Oh, hang on. Jonjo isn’t wearing a hat. He’s wearing a suit. This is a makeover and then some. However, he’s still rubbish, if all else fails Jonjo can rent his ears out as a windfarm. Guess it’s back to the barracks on Monday !!

It’s time for 2 Shoes. They are fantastic, these are the ladies from Little Britain’s sketch of Sheila’s Wheels rights?

Also, one of 2 Shoes is pregnant. I think I preferred them when I could imagine that they were both hammered on Bacardi Breezers all the time. Disappointing.

James Michael now. I predict big things for this one. You see, James sometimes wears a hat. Matt Cardle sometimes wore a hat. Matt Cardle won X Factor.

James is singing Ticket To Ride. Because he sounds like he might be from somewhere quite close to Liverpool. Thinking Ticket To Ride on a train home Sunday night,more like.

And now for Misha And Her Magic Hair. Misha’s sitting on a giant throne, with a crown weaved into her hair, wearing an outfit made entirely out of newspaper. And she’s rapping in the middle of it. And it’s not rubbish. I mean, it’s mental, but it’s not rubbish.

Mongrel boy group one: No Vibe, the made-up boyband with a slightly filthy name who all apparently hate each other. Sadly, Nu Vibe aren’t very good. First we had the The Wanted, now we have The Un-Wanted…

Now for Marcus Collins. I can’t really remember much about Marcus, except that he’s a hairdresser and he cries quite easily.

A camp hairdresser from Liverpool…? He’s got more chance of reaching the summit of Everest on his hands and knees (without oxygen mind…) than winning X factor.

Do the judges know yet that Sami is actually Peter Kay in drag? Bad song choice. Recent divorcee at a karaoke, who seems to have aged 10 years in a week.

Jonjo, backstage, is silently wondering how many complimentary Danish pastries he can shove into his suitcase before tomorrow night.

Mongrel boy group two: The Risk – best group of night despite being the Frankenstein of boy groups.

The Risk are doing that song by Plan B. And performing to what appears to be a group of disinterested yet acrobatic diners.

Gary’s put Craig on a diet in the house. “One day, son, you can look just like me”, he probably said. And Craig, to his credit, didn’t look at Gary’s grizzled stubble and ridiculous scoop-necked T-shirt and run a mile. Apparently, Craig’s doing Jar of Hearts. But that’s enough about his lunch.

The best I can say about that performance is that it existed. The judges say that he’s good at singing, and that he’s got something special, and that he had the most emotional performance of the night. I just heard a low, fuzzy hum. I used to be young, you know. I used to be so young, before this program began. I think. I’m not even sure I can think back that far any more.

This promises to be the highlight of the entire evening. It’s Kitty Brucknell. Remember, she’s already burst into tears and flung herself into a swimming pool and dressed in a flashing leotard during her performances – how could she possibly top that tonight?

Inevitably, Kitty has grown claws and is performing Who Wants To Live Forever on a floating plinth, whilst channelling Bonnie Tyler.

Janet Devlin now – she’s had quite the makeover, hasn’t she? She’s used conditioner and become more ginger.

I don’t know what this song is. Janet seems to think it’s called OI WIW TROI TEW FISS YU, so let’s go with that.

Brilliant. I love it when X Factor takes someone with a charmingly fragile voice and then destroys it with tons of noisy guitars. Still, the judges like her. The judges have pretty much liked everyone, haven’t they? Apart from Jonjo, I mean. They’re not mental.

And that appears to be it until tomorrow night – over 2 hours of my life gone, never to return.

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So onto Sunday – so we have had Matt and Ce-Lo and it’s time for the main event.

It’s Louis first – so Sami, Kitty in her stripper shorts and Dot makes it through …. So Jonjo is off back to the regiment, but I have to say the right decisio
Next to inflict psychological trauma on the chosen ones is Gary – will we get tears?

Marcus, Craig and Frankie are through …. and so the James and his hat has gone, again the right decision, if you accept that Frankie can’t sing.

So onto Tulisa and the Groups – to be honest, it could be any of them. Apparently a hard decision so she kicked out the half pregnant overweight ones – in fact the only ones were actually a group and not made up by X Factor – a travesty !!

And finally Kelly and the girls, so Janet, Misha and Sophie are through – and Amelia is out. Although I hate the image change, I sort of think she deserved longer and I thought Sophie should have gone !!

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