Oh great – I Will Always Love You? Isn’t it time that someone banned this from X Factor? To her credit, Sami said that she idolises Jane McDonald. Which is good as its provided an alternative image in my head for her than Peter Kay in drag.

Craig’s doing a Beyonce song about how much she hates her ex-boyfriend. This is really odd and awful. He has also started pointing at the audience. It’s actually mildly threatening. I don’t like it.

Now it’s time for Janet. I don’t know what song Janet’s singing, but it’s all tender and hushed, and a bit wonky. Gary says that Janet is a great translator of music. And she is. She translates into some language I don’t understand.

Back to the boys. It’s Frankie Bonham Carter, who I’m slightly worried about. No, it’s because he cant sing and no amount of dressing up like a Troll doll can make up for that. Could he be in trouble this week? Coldplay, Frankie? Really?

Next is Dot Cotton. Dot has decided to do Can’t Get You Out Of My Head dressed as a geisha. Its the Mikado meets Freddy Krueger and i’m just trying to work out how racist this is. As for the rubbing of lamps, the best quick comeback ever heard on X Factor.

Back with the boys – and it’s Marcus who is doing Russian Roulette, a Rihanna song about murdering yourself to death. Meanwhile in the background, some poverty-stricken, barely-clothed dancers huddle around a brazier and pray for the good old days of Same Difference & Wagner. Not a bad effort with the song though.

Rhythmix are doing I’m Like A Bird by Nelly Furtado. They’ve been more styled this week – sadly as Cher Lloyd. But they’ve got a plan to stop people noticing how bad they are, which seems to consist of shouting & wailing constantly.

It’s Misha B. She’s a star, and she’s miles ahead of anyone else this year. Charles And Eddie disguised as a Quality Street – pure class.

X Factor is pushing The Risk as the boyband that the girls like. Well this was ok, certainly better than No Vibe – had some potential or has my mind been numbed by the previous horrors?

Now it’s time for Sophie – forgettable image, styled as the before girl on the Special K ad – singing a song I didn’t recognise. It wasn’t awful – but she is on late on so should be ok.

This is it – the potential highlight, Jedward are in the audience and Kitty the stripper is next, doing that famous love song It’s Oh So Quiet. This has the potential to be a lot more mental than last week, and I’m all for that.

She’s performing at a table themed like Alice In Wonderland. It’s loud and rocky and Kitty flails around with fantastic abandon and it ends up being fairly disturbing. I love it !!

First on is Amelia Lily, who is 16 going on 31 – She’s the new Christina Aguilera, they say, possibly because she’s blonde and wears too much make-up, but now she’s pink and not quite as slutty as before – not sure I’d didn’t prefer the old image.

Amelia is singing Billie Jean. But it’s OK, because it’s a slower, rockier version of the song, and also ensures Dr Conrad is not alone in being judged for murdering Michael Jackson this week…

Disco Dot Cotton (or is it anorexic Timmy Mallett) is next – the man who was described as the new Subo thanks to his ability to sing quite well despite not being conventionally attractive.

I feel i should ring some sort of government hotline – this feels wrong on so many levels, but I think he is genuinely enjoying his escape from his real life – he is living his dream.

Of course he is – whose dream isn’t shrieking a terrible song from inside a nightmarish Bacofoil cage?

Now Rhythmix, the girlband designed to be thrown out in the first couple of weeks to protect one of the boy bands.

I must be too old – I don’t know the song – it’s dreadful, they sound like a bad eurovision act.

Frankie, styled as Fight Club-era Helena Bonham Carter, is singing The A-Team.

It sounds to me like a wet version of James Blunt. I don’t know if it’s supposed to sound like this, you understand. I hope not.

Louis says that Frankie definitely has something. Guessing sort of STI !!

Next we have Sophie, somehow her headshots make her look like Hilary from Dragons Den’s daughter.

But anyway. Teenage Dream. Because Sophie is a teenager, you see? And her dream has always been to get prematurely voted off a reality show as part of a pointless twist, so good on her. I’m out !!

Back to the overs now. It’s Jonjo, the man who wears awful hats and hasn’t managed to finish a song properly but it’s OK because he’s a soldier or something. Jonjo explains how much he loves being the army, which is presumably why he’s given it all up to sing terrible pop songs on the telly for a fortnight.

Oh, hang on. Jonjo isn’t wearing a hat. He’s wearing a suit. This is a makeover and then some. However, he’s still rubbish, if all else fails Jonjo can rent his ears out as a windfarm. Guess it’s back to the barracks on Monday !!

It’s time for 2 Shoes. They are fantastic, these are the ladies from Little Britain’s sketch of Sheila’s Wheels rights?

Also, one of 2 Shoes is pregnant. I think I preferred them when I could imagine that they were both hammered on Bacardi Breezers all the time. Disappointing.

James Michael now. I predict big things for this one. You see, James sometimes wears a hat. Matt Cardle sometimes wore a hat. Matt Cardle won X Factor.

James is singing Ticket To Ride. Because he sounds like he might be from somewhere quite close to Liverpool. Thinking Ticket To Ride on a train home Sunday night,more like.

And now for Misha And Her Magic Hair. Misha’s sitting on a giant throne, with a crown weaved into her hair, wearing an outfit made entirely out of newspaper. And she’s rapping in the middle of it. And it’s not rubbish. I mean, it’s mental, but it’s not rubbish.

Mongrel boy group one: No Vibe, the made-up boyband with a slightly filthy name who all apparently hate each other. Sadly, Nu Vibe aren’t very good. First we had the The Wanted, now we have The Un-Wanted…

Now for Marcus Collins. I can’t really remember much about Marcus, except that he’s a hairdresser and he cries quite easily.

A camp hairdresser from Liverpool…? He’s got more chance of reaching the summit of Everest on his hands and knees (without oxygen mind…) than winning X factor.

Do the judges know yet that Sami is actually Peter Kay in drag? Bad song choice. Recent divorcee at a karaoke, who seems to have aged 10 years in a week.

Jonjo, backstage, is silently wondering how many complimentary Danish pastries he can shove into his suitcase before tomorrow night.

Mongrel boy group two: The Risk – best group of night despite being the Frankenstein of boy groups.

The Risk are doing that song by Plan B. And performing to what appears to be a group of disinterested yet acrobatic diners.

Gary’s put Craig on a diet in the house. “One day, son, you can look just like me”, he probably said. And Craig, to his credit, didn’t look at Gary’s grizzled stubble and ridiculous scoop-necked T-shirt and run a mile. Apparently, Craig’s doing Jar of Hearts. But that’s enough about his lunch.

The best I can say about that performance is that it existed. The judges say that he’s good at singing, and that he’s got something special, and that he had the most emotional performance of the night. I just heard a low, fuzzy hum. I used to be young, you know. I used to be so young, before this program began. I think. I’m not even sure I can think back that far any more.

This promises to be the highlight of the entire evening. It’s Kitty Brucknell. Remember, she’s already burst into tears and flung herself into a swimming pool and dressed in a flashing leotard during her performances – how could she possibly top that tonight?

Inevitably, Kitty has grown claws and is performing Who Wants To Live Forever on a floating plinth, whilst channelling Bonnie Tyler.

Janet Devlin now – she’s had quite the makeover, hasn’t she? She’s used conditioner and become more ginger.

I don’t know what this song is. Janet seems to think it’s called OI WIW TROI TEW FISS YU, so let’s go with that.

Brilliant. I love it when X Factor takes someone with a charmingly fragile voice and then destroys it with tons of noisy guitars. Still, the judges like her. The judges have pretty much liked everyone, haven’t they? Apart from Jonjo, I mean. They’re not mental.

And that appears to be it until tomorrow night – over 2 hours of my life gone, never to return.

—————————————————————————————————————–

So onto Sunday – so we have had Matt and Ce-Lo and it’s time for the main event.

It’s Louis first – so Sami, Kitty in her stripper shorts and Dot makes it through …. So Jonjo is off back to the regiment, but I have to say the right decisio
Next to inflict psychological trauma on the chosen ones is Gary – will we get tears?

Marcus, Craig and Frankie are through …. and so the James and his hat has gone, again the right decision, if you accept that Frankie can’t sing.

So onto Tulisa and the Groups – to be honest, it could be any of them. Apparently a hard decision so she kicked out the half pregnant overweight ones – in fact the only ones were actually a group and not made up by X Factor – a travesty !!

And finally Kelly and the girls, so Janet, Misha and Sophie are through – and Amelia is out. Although I hate the image change, I sort of think she deserved longer and I thought Sophie should have gone !!

“Steve’s brilliance, passion and energy were the source of countless innovations that enrich and improve all of our lives. The world is immeasurably better because of Steve,” Apple said.

“Steve leaves behind a company that only he could have built, and his spirit will forever be the foundation of Apple.”

Its sad that anyone gets such a short time, but I’d like to thank him for his part as I’m sure lots of others were involved in:

Creating the tablet, i’ve written this with
The phones I’ve used for 3 or so years
The product I listen to music with
The way I store the music
The products that allow me to run my business
To work as I do
To support the charities I do
And to still have a life.

Apple is the glue that keeps my life together – and although I’m sure there are other alternatives, it’s Apple that created my way of living and now facilitates it.

But although barely conscious and like a bad OSCAR speech, can I put out some messages b4 i go ….

• Can i wish my wonderful goddaughter, Matilda a happy 2nd birthday
• Can i thank my Cleaning Fairy for her continued attempts to change my house into a home
• Can I thank my mum for being a star and picking some great bedding for upstairs
• Can I thank my girlfriend for deciding on colours for said bedding and generally for making me smile merely by her presence

I’m not sure how I’ve managed to get through the day in this Zombie like state but I’m about to now try and drive 40 miles home too …

Three bears decide to go for a walk because their breakfast is hot.

While they are out, a bad girl, Goldilocks, walks into their house.

She goes into the kitchen and tries the food that is in three bowls.

The food in the first two bowls is not nice, but the third bowl she thinks is good.

She tries their three chairs and likes the third one the best, but breaks it.

Then she tries their three beds and falls asleep in the third one.

The three bears come home and are angry about her generally messing around in their crib and Daddy Bear decides to teach her a lesson (so having persuaded Mummy Bear and Baby Bear to go off to Aunt Lucy’s), heads up the stairs.

Daddy Bear wakes Goldilocks up and asks her “what is she doing messing about in his crib, does she know what it is to play with the big bear’s”

Goldilocks, who is a bit of a slut on the quiet, decides that the best way out of this is to get on her knees and sort out Daddy Bear as a way of apologising and before things get out of hand.

She does this and Daddy Bear thinks that is probably the best way this fairy story is likely to end, so decides to let Goldilocks go – letting Goldilocks know that Mummy Bear goes to Bear Bingo on a Thursday and Baby Bear is in bed by 8pm, if she fancies popping round for a repeat ….

Not sure if there are any morals to the story as Goldilocks and Daddy Bear don’t have any !!

I’ve reviewed the transfers that have taken place and made my predictions for next season below:

Team                             Prediction

I think the Top spot is up for grabs yet as there are still some transfers to be done here but unless there are some surprises I expect Chelsea to win the Premiership.

The other team that I think may do better than I have suggested is West Bromwich, which I think may climb into Mid-table respectability, otherwise I suspect that after a few weeks the pattern will fall into place.

As a Bolton fan. I have to flag up the concern that I expect us to have a bad start as we have particularly difficult opening fixtures and just hope that the Board and Coyle stay strong and work through it as it will come right.

The big surprise has been the lack of activity from Arsenal so far and Blackburn who have sold players, bought no-one after previous tales of silky Brazilians etc.

Had a great lunch at Chiquito’s (food ok, company good) with Andrew – audit manager from Deloitte. He is good company and I find that work is much easier and more productive if you can build personal relationships with the people you deal with regularly – it will be a shame when one of us moves on and we potentially lose touch.

Looking forward to tonight… nothing exciting happening but good food, chilling out and a night in front of the TV watching a DVD is probably just what I need. I’ve spent way to much of my non work time in the last few weeks sat in the car driving or waiting around recently, and although I’m sure it will all be worth it – a night in comfort, stretching my legs out on my comfy sofa will be fab.

Relationship:

“D” and I seem to be doing well after the initial communication issues. We went together to my parents last night, a sign of progression if ever there was one – and my mum and “D” got on fine – which does at least make things easier. I’m sure we have problems to face as we continue on but we aren’t rushing anything – I’m just happy that I might have discovered a “keeper”.

Coach House (Work):

Work is good too – although I seem to go from having loads of things going on, to it easing off, followed by another peak of work.

The mysterious world of Solvency II is becoming clearer to me and seemingly the 1/1/13 deadline is becoming a 1/1/14 deadline, which will reduce pressure on Chesnara, although perhaps wont suit me income wise.

On the smaller bits of work, there are a lot of things going on and I just hope people can be patient – I do try and do the best job I can for people but I’m committed to putting in a concerted effort over the next two weeks to clear a few things – and have promised myself a present when I complete them (to keep me motivated).

EU Presidency:

The EU presidency has passed from the Magyars to the Poles – not sure what difference it will make to Solvency II or the world, in all likelihood none but just thought I’d share.

Norway:

I have my views on Scandinavia (as my friends know) driven primarily by my love for Stockholm, and the Swedish way of life (or maybe not)!!

However the events of the last week are awful and incredibly sad – it is impossible to try to understand how an apparently normal man can come to such bizarre conclusions and then act on them – my heartfelt best wishes and thoughts go out to anyone directly or indirectly affected.

If so they are out of control – and responsibility has to lie above just the individual reporters – it can’t be as widespread as this without it being cultural and being evidence of a fundamental lack of management control. Criminal proceedings may well only take place against actual law breakers but the organisation and its executives have to take responsibility too.

News International are part of this too – and it has to bring into question the fitness of the organisation to have an increased section of the media market in the UK – the proposed SKY deal must be delayed until after the investigations are complete (and in my view, probably part of the price they should pay for their indisgressions).

And now newspaper balance – in an era where Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross were pilloried for a phone call/radio show in seriously bad taste – where does this rank ?

I suspect from a coverage perspective nowhere near as widely as it could – very few media outlets or politicians want to take on Murdock (apart from perhaps Labour who still feel abandoned after the last election), and of course we don’t know whether any other newspapers were doing similar things. Although there will be coverage, expect it to be less critical than you would expect!!

Generally I find the whole thing is very bad taste and I hope the NOTW are punished where it hurts, by advertisers and readers, in revenue terms – it is the only real message that will definitely cause a reaction.

So I leave you with the thought that I’m going to complain to the NOTW, in obviously the most efficient way, by leaving a voicemail message on my phone!!

If Haye had pulled out then he would have lost multiple millions – and having avoided a fight before there was no guarantee he would get another with Wladimir and almost certainly there would have been less interest/money for him in future.

So I suggest it was a pure business decision, not a sporting based one. 

If his little toe was such a problem then the choices were:

- diminish your reputation but make loads of cash

or

- cancel and risk the income loss.

I suspect that he is a clever guy who is driven by making money and he took the first option.

So now he needs to live with the criticism (and the money he made) !!